Busy busy busy ..........

Things are really busy right now exams just finished, to be honest i did alot better than i expected, i actually thought i had failed alot of subjects but i didnt fail anything its a big achievement for me, i was told all my life i would never amount to anything, teachers mostly, but returning to education as an adult has been great, the last two years have been two of the best years ive had, and its all coming to an end now which makes me nervous, i know i have to start somewhere new, but its just not as easy as it sounds. watching cliffhanger on Sky Action at the moment then going to bed.

That wasnt good........

I hate when people try and interfere where they shouldnt ...especially the ones who have no clue what there going on about, its insulting and i never do good in those situations, if i could just shut up it would be great, but no matter how hard i try i cant control it. its not good for anyone but i dont seem to think about these things until after the fact.

I want my child to go to a normal school ....

Why? why would we want to set our kids up to fail? and they will in a normal school setting, for the simple fact that there not normal kids, they dont laern like normal kids, they dont act like normal kids, so why in the world would we treat them like normal kids? oh.....i see ... its not for the kids that we want them in normal schools, its for us, i get it now, is it a coping mechanism for us? the parents? a stage of denial maybe ? i think we all go through it at some point.....its our wish not theirs, they dont care what school they go to , they just want to be, they have no desire for a normal school...why should we...instead of pushing for our kids to go to this normal school maybe we should fight to have better schools for later years, what we fail to realize is that our kids are only gonna be getting help until a certain point, and then we really are on our own....we are then left with a special needs adult that no one wants to help only us,because even if there fifty years old their our kids, our flesh and blood, due to the fact that there is no service available for our autistic adults, they are forgotten, why? because we as parents are selfish and blind . Its up to us to fight for these kids for life, fooling ourselves into thinking that their gonna do just fine is exactly that, fooling ourselves.

Its great that everyone wants to promote autism awareness, yet no one seems to be aware that this is whats going to happen, i know its hard to take in, it was for me, i cry sometimes for my kids, and worry for them, i sometimes feel that im not good enough a parent to bring them through life, and if i can, then whos going to help them when im gone? dont you remember hearing that its a lifelong developmental delay? lifelong is exactly that.....we as parents need to start fighting now while our kids are young to put in place some kind of support system for our kids transition into adult hood, if we fail to do this then we as parents have failed or kids....

Exploring Autism

I thought this was interesting. definatly watch if you get a chance, its about an hour long just to let you know. and they really are boring,theres alot of brown nosing going on but if you can get past that there are some interesting points.

What a day !!!!!!

The weather is great, well at least it is here, today anyway, my back teeth are killing me, the kids had a ball today outside with their little blow up pool , its amazing sometimes what makes them happy, water , of all the things , they have always been fascinated by it though. ive heard alot of autistic kids are, i wonder why? maybe its the same for all of us, i know i find water to be relaxing, not the sound just the feel.

God, The Devil & Autism......

I recently read an article on a popular video sharing site that starts with YOUTUBE (im funny you know i am), i was watching a video about an autistic savant he is also blind, cant butter bread but understand music like no one else on the planet, anyway ill post the vids later, but i saw in the comments that people were saying god made him this way, and others telling them there idiots that there is no God, and to be honest i have to agree 1: they are idiots 2: i dont think there is a God, now the devil part, if theres no god then theres no devil so i wont go to hell for saying this. Logic my friend!!!!

What i understand about god is that he is everywhere, all around us, above below inside us, sounds like a particle to me, the one that created the big bang could well indeed be the God particle, Doesnt it make more sense that infact there was a big bang, and everything else evovled from this than a higher being in the sky creating all that is the earth in six days, and decided to have a pint on the seventh? sounds like something a higher being came up with all right, and by particles they must have been high when they came up with THE BOOK.

Either way you can believe what you want if its going to get you through things, but are you going to tell your autistic kids that god is great, and god does this that and th other and leave them sitting there thinking "So why did he do this to me?" God didnt make any of us or our kids special, if anything did i'd go with Simon Baron Cohen on genes and how they mix, again science is proving religion to be a fake on a daily basis yet people are blind and the band wagon is free transport so All Aboard, leave your individual thoughts at the door and heres a jesus leaflet.

So thats its for this episode...this is a topic i want to continue but dont have time right now .

Autism: National Autistic Society

Think differently about autism is a campaign for the National Autistic Society to raise awareness of autism.
Autism is a serious, lifelong and disabling condition. Without the right support it can have a profound -- sometimes devastating effect on individuals and families. Over half a million people in the UK have autism. Together with their families they make up over two million people whose lives are touched by autism every single day. A lack of public understanding of autism means that these people often don't get the support and services they so desperately need.
Together we can change this

Our intention with this video clip is to allow people to "see things from my point of view"; to witness the world through the eyes of a person with autism.

By beginning with a sedate commute through a typical English suburb, we show you a world that you are no doubt familiar with. We then show this scene how it may be perceived by a person with autism...It can be a frightening place.

Often, people with autism use certain methods to escape the stress and fear of the world as they see it. Such methods can be to focus on a single object, in this case a watch, or to concentrate their mind on one specific subject in an attempt to close out external intrusions.

As is the case with the elderly fellow passenger on the bus, this singular focus can be interpreted as ignorance, even intentional rudeness. With this video, we are showing that this is not the case. We are showing the difficulties a person with autism has to endure, and how hard they may have to work to overcome such obstacles.

www.think-differently.org.uk

Part 1 (morning commute)


Part 2 (misunderstanding)


Part 3 (Crash)

Wheres your father ?

So i read forums, blogs, websites about ASD etc on a regular basis.. one thing ive noticed is theres very few if any fathers on these sites? now i umderstand we are men we dont have feelings its the womans job to do all the research and care coz we make the money and the money has to be made and we are the bread winners and................ BOLLOX !!!!!!!!!....who made them ? thats right..we did, our kids too... we have every right to be involved as anyone else... so what if the state says by law we have no rights....does that mean we listen to the state ? if so then this is a first ...ive seen genuine surprise from numerous people when i show up to meetings for my kids, they automaticly think im unemployed ha ha !!!! the thought that i took time off never crossed their minds....i try to make as many as i can especially the important ones for the simple fact that i wont know whats going on otherwise...ive been asked to leave rooms by doctors and take my kids with me....ive been told to give the phone to my kids mother coz she'd know more about the kids than i would....ive only ever heard one person say anything good...they told me i was probably the most involved father they had ever met..and while it was nice to hear i think i felt confused at the same time...doesnt ever father take an interest in their child???? i dont know and im not saying im perfect but dont expect to be a father when it suits you...part time parenting isnt really parenting at all.

Autism A Journey of Understanding

I havent watched this yet but im planing to so i said id post the link here so i dont forget actually im having a really hard time remembering things lately.

Aggression....or so they say...

Sometimes when people lie to me or try and fill me full of complete and utter bollox i get annoyed... this is when words become my enemy, i loose the ability to control what i say and i simply cannot lie i tell them exactly what im thinking...good or bad there gonna hear it.. this is then classed by certain fuckers as aggression...the truth is hard for people to handle, ive learned this the hard way... which is why i record everything with people who could potentially cause problems for me.. i have to if i dont then they can lie...and it has worked a charm for me...theres nothing better than whipping out a recording of a conversation to prove that someone is in fact lying their face is usually priceless...and its not becuase im tryin to be mean its the simple fact that if you dont protect you and yours then no one will and these people who are meant to have yours and your kids best interest in mind usually end up tryin to screw you to a wall and leave you helpless .

Memory Masters

I Thought this was interesting... its about autism and savants

A RANT !!!!!!!!!!!!

Your child doesnt have to be social ......no one does, your child is normal, just not by the standards of the state, whose standards arent anything we as parents should want our kids to live up to...your doing a great job.. dont worry about the days when you have some fresh out of secondary school little wanna be psychologist telling you that in fact "no your wrong they spent thousands on their education, they know best" or so they think...all the money in the world cant pay for the expierences we have....they record two three minute videos and think they know our kids intimatly, and can tell us whats best for them...its insulting...so to the mothers and fathers of kids with an ASD i say this...WELL DONE TO YOU !!!!!!!!!! dont ever give up on your kids...and dont ever let anyone tell you they cant and wont talk..or walk upstairs without help...or know who their parents are..these people underestimate our kids on a daily basis and us with them..whats holding our kids back is the support there getting which is why we as parents have to work harder than anyone else out there... instead of having these people fishing for information to help them further their career...it feels like our kids are assets to these people numbers for next years budget...and when the money is there its diagnos diagnos diagnos...but soon as they know budget wont be there they seem to adapt the why bother attitude.. why bother diagnos them..doesnt benefit us..were not gonna get extra money for them......leaving us struggling and fighting to have our kids recognized as having a disability... as if we would really go in and make up some of the things we as parents of a child with an ASD see and expierence.

Am i talking to myself?

Sometimes when im alone for long periods i do end up actually talking out loud to myself....usually i talk to myself anyway...just not out loud... i practice conversations... both sides, my response their response...i dont know if this is something only i do or everyone does...i hope everyone does ha ha .....its probably most obvious when im upset.. because then i cant seem to control it.. i have arguments with people if they piss me off about something and since their not there to answer i answer for them... its a really good way to win an argument though ha ha .

I cant get no sleep....

This happens alot, when i get anxious i cant sleep i end up staying up all night, then my sleep pattern gets disrupted for weeks, and its hard to fix, and when i stay up all night im alone, and i get time to think and my brain works non stop thinking, stressing, its probably the thing i hate the most about myself... i take sleeping tablets, but they dont work.......if it says take one i take two and still no sleep.....i guess i cant turn my brain off ?


Remember this song?

Faithless - Insomnia

No.....not my son....oh the Denial

When i first heard that my eldest son was autistic i thought to myself, "what a load of bollox !!"...i really did, i mean look at him, he has ten fingers ten toes, he can walk he can laugh, he is happy....what more do these people expect from a two year old? they dont even know him, they dont live with us.....he is just a child....how can they say he has no imagination? they already said he was deaf and the hearing tests proved he can hear better than most....maybe he just doesnt want to talk to them...

The main reason i think i was in denial now is because he had traits similiar to me, he didnt like to be with others, he didnt feel the need to talk...also i felt different to others and i think deep down i wanted so much for him to be a normal person and have a life different to mine, without the wonder of why he is different....its just so hard to hear.........what bothers me the most is these people telling me they know it must be hard....i really dont think they do...thats like me telling someone with no arms and legs i know it must be hard...i dont, i havent a clue what its like for them.

Its really hard to accept that our kids have problems at first....you look at them different...you go through a period where all you can do is feel sorry for them or is it for yourself? but after a while i realized that there not different there special.....they dont feel sorry for themselves...they are actually making the most of there lives, their not dwelling on limitations and obstacles, their getting on and overcoming them.. 

Interesting....

Short Documentary on Aspergers.

Im not obsessed with .....

To me its not having an obsession, .... i can spend hours and hours doing the same thing, like making music, designing websites, and i will not stop until its exactly the way i think it should be ..........its hard for me to blog about this stuff as im being told what i do isnt normal, yet what they dont understand is.... yes it is, its normal for me, its just not normal for everyone else, its who i am, its what makes me , me ......so am i really obsessing over things ?

Site hits.....

So if you go to the very bottom right of the pagelinks you will see site hits, and numbers below it, i just added this today but it should keep track of how many visitors the page gets and it only tracks unique visits so if the same person visits the site 20 times it only counts as one, which i think its cool !!

So.... getting diagnosed

Hearing that your different is hard to take in.... you spend your nights thinking about being accepted and being just like everyone else...... then you get told, "Sorry, your not normal", what people dont realize is i am normal im normal to me, all this hoping to be normal is just to please everyone else to fit in with societies version of whats acceptable.

my girlfriend had a friend over the other day and she was upset as she was leaving, she started to cry.... so i tried to tell her about how google thought that they were getting cyber attacked by hackers the day micheal jackson died due to the high amount of internet traffic they were seeing and that they were actually thinking of shutting google down till it stopped, it made her laugh though.... and i know now a few days after that maybe saying "its ok dont worry" might have been the better response,  it worked i guess ? it made her laugh rather than making her worse.

The world didnt change when i got diagnosed, im not suddendly a different, better , smarter more normal person, but i understand that i dont think like the people around me, i probably have more in common with my kids than i do with anyone else. i dont know anyone else with aspergers, and if there anything like me its gonna be hard to find them, also its good to have your better half understand that your not a mean person you just find it hard to consider them when processing whats going on around you .

Reading is good..........

Got a copy of John Connellys "The Whisperers" today !!! signed with a music cd . if you like reading then you cant not read at least one of his books, there dark but definatly different from anything ive ever read !!!
John Connelly Offiical Website !!!!!!!

Also got a new belt ...... it has the super man logo as a buckle, its cool im a big child really . but it really is cool its the same as the picture

i know these are random posts sorry but i have interests, i do want to share with people, this is probably the easiest way possible.ill post again later !!!!!

thanks for taking the time to read the posts, i dont know if anyone will get something from it but even if one person does then its not a complete waste is it?

Oh and thank you to my girlfriend who actually bought them for me !

and she said i better post that she gave me a hug yes just ONE but i guess she is trying ha ha .

My kids.........

Are definatly my hero's....... two autistic boys and a little princess ......... and there is nothing that can hold them back,i do mean nothing, they seem to overcome every thing that gets in their way, some things might take longer than other's but they still do it.

The help their getting is great when i was growing up these things werent there, i wonder how i would be if i got the help they got?  anyway having kids is great, their acheivments make me proud, so they dont do what other kids do, and they are different but thats what makes them even more special, i always call them my little super hero's....like the X-men,

The x-men are different and people dont understand them becuase they are different, but the people who know them know that being special is what makes them cool, who knows maybe they are normal and eveyone else isnt?

They always do......

I really want to have a friend that i know wont leave, i dont care what colorthey are, or where there from, or who they like, i just want to make a genuine friend someone who wont leave, i am afraid to get close to people, they usually leave,, or dont understand me and think im an idiot. i couldnt tell them before that i have aspergers coz i didnt know either, but now that i can im afraid they will still think im an idiot im really not doing good today honest.

Yes it does hurt ............

My girlfriend does more for others than she does for me, shes great, i love her, but she thinks things are what i want, i want kisses,.. attention..i feel like i get pushed aside, i want to hear she loves me, i want hugs, i know we have three kids and she does EVERYTHING to help them and they deserve everybit of her attention, but right now at this point in time i need her and shes not here for me, not in the way i need. if i tell her she will say she does everything for me and she does she is right, but she is doing everything except the one thing i want and need .
She isnt loving me. i feel lonely, i feel like i havent got anyone. i feel like im something for her to talk about now, oh he has aspergers etc.. etc.. etc.

Oh no i didnt.................

Yes, i did, and i do, i do things all the time that make me feel so anxious, and i think the people around me uncomfortable... this is a real problem honestly im not joking, i cant control what i say sometimes, and i just say stuff thats probably inapropriete but i cant help it.

i heard someone say she couldnt handle any thing soft in her mouth once, so i said would you like something hard or what about something hard not 100% on which one but it was the wrong thing to say, if i am in a room and no one is talking i will say the dumbest shit ever, and get looks like "WHAT?" .This isnt good, im feeling really bad right now i want to be alone, i wish people wouldnt ask me questions, i answer them , i know this is my fault but they get insulted but im just giving an aswer, im not tryin to be mean or hurt them, i try to lie most of the time which makes things even worse i feel so bad today it was a good day really coz i was alone then interacting sets me off and i feel so bad, like low and hurt and confused, even though i now know why that hasnt changed.

lining things up........

So i like to line things up ........usually before i go to sleep, or if i have to leave anything of mine behind i like to leave it in a place i know it wont be touched, and in an order that i  remamber. To be honest i didnt realize i did it it until people told me my son doing it isnt normal, i thought everyone done this? anyway... for me its about order, not like red one first blue one next to red, its the fact that there in a place and even if the world is falling around me, i know my stuff is in order, and it gives me a sense of relieve, something that does matter though is the lines that i make out of the objects i line up, like the remotes have to line up beside each other, and then i line everything else up around them so that nothing really breaks the line, this is important, the not breakling of the line is important to me, even though i havent a clue why,......it might be so that the order isnt broken, i feel like im not in control of it.

Jont

So this is me.....

Once upon a time.......just kidding, im 28 have three kids two with an asd diagnosis, and just found out myself that i have aspergers, i once saw a show about a kid with aspergers who wanted to be a comedian, and he went on stage and said "so i have aspergers, mmmmm Ass burgers", i cant get it out of my head, everytime i hear the word i make the association, and it makes me want to laugh out loud.

Im still the same person i was before i got diagnosed, only now i hope i will be able to understand me better, its hard going through life knowing your different from other people but not knowing exactly why, in order to get to here, ive been told im depressed and given some of the greatest legal narcotics ive ever taken, EFFEXOR being the main one that blew the skull off me unexspectadly at about 9 in the morning, it was like taking exctacy but not knowing, and then thinking you had in fact taken exctacy and that,then they tell me i have a mental illness, actually the words i believe the lunatic used were "You are, Mentally Ill", ... the blind leading the blind if you ask me.

So....where do we go from here, if we meet in person and i dont know you or anything about you, you'll probably think im rude, or unpleasant. i find it easier for people to come to my little world than having to brave the unknown of theirs, if they come to where im comfortable, then i feel at ease when meeting them, i dont seem to panic.

I have the worst time with new people, places, situations, i hate shopping if its not planned, and if it is planned and changed i loose my self altogether, its hard to explain, i guess the easiest way is to describe it for me : ..........

we go shopping, ive been told before hand that were going to shop a,b and c, on the way im ok coz i know were going to shop a b & c, thats not a problem, but we get there and none of the shops has what we went for, then i think this shop is terrible, why dont they have it? i need to know ?. and by jesus im not going to any other shop to find it, its not my fault they dont have what we need, and if its not for me personally then im definatly not going off track to find it, im going to the car, i dont care if your not coming, were supposed to be going to the car. we went to the three shops, they didnt have it we go home.

im rambling on now so ill just stop. ill try to update this blog everyday with things that happen and how they affect me. or something.

hope you enjoy reading this .

Jont.